The Self-Care Absence Trap

Do you wonder why with all good intentions you set out to make shifts in your life around self-care and seem to bump up against all kinds of things that seem like “must do’s” - and the delayed shifts turn into frustration, resentment, fatigue, poor self-esteem, sometimes snowballing into depression and/or anxiety? It’s most people’s story and yes, it is a trap!

Great news!!! You can start to feel better right now because you are reading this… and hopefully it will help you to understand your pattern that seems to land you in the same process. When you become aware of what your pattern is you’ll be able to take action and shift your choices. With all the responsibilities we have today… care-taking kids and parents, adult children with mental health and/or addition issues, working hard to say afloat financially, students with jobs or any other story we find our life in, overwhelm can often be a culprit of hijacking us into the minutia of daily life’s many details.

I too have experienced this dysfunctional existence. It has taken me years of work to ‘be on to myself’ when I am slipping into a patterned behavior and how I get in my own way of accomplishing the very things that put me into my “A” version of life. The “A” version is when I am doing what I want to be doing… and when I no longer feel that I am in the self-care absence trap. Not only do I lose ‘bad and frustrated’, I gain self-love. Now that’s a gift that keeps on giving!

Our resistance to making important shifts are the very trap that land us in pattern after pattern. The patterns come in disguise, often making it tricky for us to recognize but our process is the same. So, for instance, I have found myself with all good intentions planning to meditate, practice yoga, walk my dog twice daily, run my business, network and maintain my social life. My to do list used to seem never ending - and as a result - my self-care took a back seat. Once I came from a place of acceptance that my life had me wearing many hats and knowing the things I could not control that had me weighed down (people, places and things), I could use this awareness and acceptance to refocus on the shifts I needed to make, to put myself first.  Yes, this may feel selfish for some, but I promise you, it is a good selfish and great modeling for our loved ones. It can even take us out of enabling roles we don’t even know we are in. (more on this in my next post)

Using a paper calendar has enhanced my productivity and self-care level because in the face of the digital world, there is something remarkable when we put pen to paper and write down our self-care, as if we are attending the most pressing meeting! I would encourage you to begin by simply making a plan and tracking your feelings around getting things done - and - not getting things done. No expectations to start. After a week you can look at how you’ve done and you’ll have an awareness of your triggers that hijack you from being your best self. Jumping into action to avoid the pitfalls of staying on track will be your best friend. Small steps lead to big shifts. Start simply and be gentle.

HEART INKLINGS INTRODUCTION

Have you ever felt like something you decided to do was the right decision? You knew for sure you were doing the right thing down deep whether it was easy or difficult… Well, that voice, that feeling inside you that allowed you to feel so sure is your heart speaking. Our heart voice is often covered up and protected by layers and layers of fear that if we act on our own behalf, it will instigate an old experience, creating pain, or shame, or vulnerability. I can honestly say that if you invest in your self, take the time in your day to learn awareness by going through the twelve heart steps, you will have access to your heart in good times and in bad. This is a gift that we all deserve and it also is part of our path as we experience the human journey.

I was brought to the twelve steps through Al-Anon. I had a personal situation that made my life feel unmanageable and I didn’t know where to turn. I remember as I sat in my first Al-Anon meeting I was filled with relief. I had come to a place where I felt I belonged. As I worked the steps, I began to unravel the voices in my head that were like tapes in play mode. I began to trust in myself and follow my heart voice, even when it was difficult and completely contrary from decisions I made in the past. I soon began to notice shifts for the better in my life.

WHAT IS A HEART INKLING

12 Steps Closer to Heart and my private practice are influenced and inspired by my experiences working with and through the Al-Anon 12 Step process. On my website you will be guided through each heart step in 12 Steps Closer, my free Heart Inklings podcast series, videos and information on all of the services that I offer, including my current group sessions for teens and adults.

My approach as a therapist is turning up the volume on what I call Heart Inklings.

I have seen this approach transform my own life and so many others. However, taking the first step can be the hardest part. I hope this website helps you get closer to whatever it is you are looking for.

The Root of My Healing

When I was a few years out of college, I decided to go back to school and get my MBA in International Business (even though my heart was pulling me towards a degree in clinical psychology). I avoided listening to my heart because my rational voice had much more influence at the time. I worked my way through my MBA and the therapy world I found myself involved in was group therapy, couples counseling, marriage counseling and yes, more individual therapy. Needless to say…I’ve had some field experience.

From Inkling to Therapist

Years later after working in the business world and married with two children, I started going to Al-Anon. It was in Al-Anon that I gained the strength to make some real changes in my life. Changes that would turn my life upside down in some respects and get me on a path that was congruent with what my gut was telling me to do. I soon realized I was ready and confident enough to go back to school to become a therapist. I am so grateful I was able to see the forrest through the trees and hold on to my dream of building upon a craft that I was personally using in my own life. I really had to rely on the "one day at a time" space in order to not get overwhelmed by the amount of work and time it was going to take me to get to where I was going. The further I got into my personal work, the more I realized the true freedom to be in my moments and days enjoying what I was learning and being grateful for what I had - letting go of disappointments and past challenges that kept me stuck holding onto something that was no longer there. It was the letting go that allowed me to propel forward into a life that I am happy to be in. I love what I do and find myself constantly inspired by experiencing the progress and growth of my clients and groups.